Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Do you ever feel like...

you need one of these to be heard, understood? That is how I have been feeling lately. Of course a bullhorn creates a deafening, obtrusive, obnoxious image! Yes, all of those things for sure come to mind when you see, or better yet, hear someone use one. But really, I feel invisible sometimes. Simply completely invisible. It has been one of the mantras of my life that if you don't like the situation you find yourself in, change it! I feel like I have been busting my bum to be positive, open, friendly, social and yet still feeling like I haven't made a dent in finding friends. Moving here has been HARD. Every time we move I have to reinvent myself, find new friends, establish contacts, etc. It is a lovely paradox of military life. I love meeting new people and exploring and all that, but I wonder why THIS move, THIS location has been such an adjustment. Leaving Italy was hard for so many reasons. We left behind a wonderful place and wonderful friends, but Italy was hard living at times, life wasn't easy, it was different. Opportunities to be enriched culturally were there, but if you wanted an easy life, forget it! 

Here I find that life is so much easier and convenient and has all the things anyone could ever want, and yet I am so lonely. Sure there are moments when I see people that I have met and we exchange pleasantries etc. Occasionally I even get out of my house and socialize! But where are the real connections? Where is the friend I know I can call at a moment's notice when things go wrong? Where is my sounding board? Still searching. In the meantime I struggle each day to find some lovely meaning in life, working hard to take care of my kids, taking on a new calling that involves a tremendous amount of time and energy and effort, all the while trying to grow as a person and expand my own dreams in the process. I keep hoping that the relationships I crave in my life will begin to materialize. I will continue to live with that faith and just be me, maybe then I will feel that I don't need an obnoxious bullhorn to be noticed.

1 comment:

Elisabeth said...

I love you, Meggie.